I’m learning how to use my words for good instead of bad. Unlearning toxic generational traits that I’ve seen all my life is a process. Growing up I’ve seen how the people in my family just belittle and hurt each other. I can’t blame myself because I didn’t have a choice then but I do now. I was just a product of my environment. Growing up so what I saw was all I knew. However, as I get older I realize that is not me. Before the world got to me I was sweet and caring. After the world broke me, I noticed I was getting meaner and selfish. I didn’t want to be nice to people because humanity is messed up. I was selfish because when I was selfless I just got taken advantage of. All in all, I’m healing from past traumas because I want to be the person God sees me as. It takes a strong person to overcome difficulties but it takes a stronger person to confront themselves first, so they can confront the world. Everything starts with us, we have to reprogram our minds and unlearn all the toxic traits we picked up along our journey in life.
Truth be told it is way easier to say hurtful things than to uplift someone when you are angry. This is what I’m currently working on. Once my feelings get hurt everyone’s feelings are off limits. I zone into this I don’t care attitude and beware feelings will get very hurt. I don’t intentionally want to be mean but having your kindness taken for weakness all the time made me build up this wall. I built up this protective barrier where nobody or anything could get in and hurt me. For example you know when at work and the cleaning people go and clean the bathroom they put up this barrier and you can’t get into the bathroom. Well the sign that keeps people from entering the bathroom is the barrier I built. The people trying to get into the bathroom are the people in my life that I push away. Furthermore, the bathroom is my sanctuary, my peace, my personal space… the place where I don’t let people come into. But all this will change because I vowed to change that part in me.
Words do have power. What you say is what you’re manifesting into this world. You can either bless or curse with your worlds. “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.” (Ephesians 4:29 GNT) I can’t help to think that my life has gone bad the majority of the time because of my words. I’ve been using my own words to curse my life. I think my words got the best of my relationships and that was the downfall with so much disbelief and disrespect. I was so hurt that the father of my son would hurt me, that I just saw him in a dark light. Yet, all this time I should have just been seeing the light and manifest the outcome I wanted. I based my thoughts and words on the current circumstances instead of basing it off God’s power. God can do the unimaginable. He’s nowhere near like us so I should have gotten my faith up, prayer up and words up, instead of my mind down.