Yesterday I wrote about working on the relationships that matter to me. One of the relationships I missed was the one with my mom. I tried reaching out to her but she has my number blocked. For my birthday on July 15th, a week ago she emailed me telling me happy birthday. So, I also tried to email her but she didn’t respond. My mother and I have a complicated relationship. We don’t get along because we see life from two different views. I’m sorry but I can’t dwell on pain for too long, it messes with my mood and aura. I believe in healing ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. On the contrary she feeds off her pain and is still stuck in a toxic cycle living off her traumas. She was never there for me the way a mom should be but she always provided a good lifestyle and for that I’m grateful.
She can’t acknowledge the hurt I feel because I just wanted her to be there for me and love me as a kid. I understand it is hard being a single parent but your kid should never feel alone and unloved when you’re right there. I didn’t ask to be born but this experience teaches me how I do want to raise my children. I don’t have any role models, I have people I don’t want to be like. I stopped talking to her because she always chose everyone over me. She’s quick to throw me down but she always rode for those that belittled her. I felt so unappreciated, unsupported and misunderstood. In her house she has a million pictures but none of me or my older brother. However, there is a God and He sees it all. The love I needed from her, He provided me with. I love my mom and I pray we can reconcile again.