Have you ever begged God to take away your pain because it hurts so much? I’m honestly crying while writing this. I just can’t believe I was in a relationship for three years with someone who never loved me. I gave my heart to a Narcissist… How did I miss all the signs? It’s crazy what you would endure for love. He was always lying, cheating and putting everyone else above me. I still remember when I was pregnant and he told me he loved me and afterwards went to another girls house. Or when I came back to California and he had another girls furniture at our house. He tried to replace me so fast and what’s crazy was that he even tried to get a girl with a similar name. Wow I was really with him at his lowest which was when he got shot and when he had nobody in his corner. My family was the only one to open the doors for him when his family said no. Yet, he let his family and friends destroy our relationship even more. They are all laughing at my pain.

We have a son together but I was always a single mom even in the relationship. He never helped me around with Adonis or the house nor provided for me. I was so blind that I couldn’t see he was just using me. He got money and started treating me bogus. I’m not even his type. You should see the girls he ran to every time we had a fight. He likes lighter girls. He always ran to other girls instead of God. He made me feel so insecure about myself and my color. It’s true what they said the devil will also send you a sheep disguised as everything you ever wanted. He spoke about God like he actually knew him but his action screamed otherwise. He’s selfish and only cares about himself. He was never sorry for what he did, he was just sorry he got caught. To top it all off now that he can’t use me anymore he’s going back to his hometown. I’m unemployed and what I get for unemployment ain’t enough to pay all my bills. He’s taking the car with him. He doesn’t even care if we will be good or not.

I’m glad I never needed a man and he was just a want. I snatched my power and crown back, all thanks to God. Three years ago I probably wouldn’t have been strong enough to make this decision. I thought he could change, maybe that’s why I stayed so long. Yet he had no real intentions in changing. Or was it that I was holding on to the false image of the good he showed in the beginning of the relationship. However, I thank him for showing me what I don’t want in my life. Also, I can’t go with my mom because she told me I have to figure it out on my own. I honestly don’t have anybody to confide in or to hug me. The only physical love and touch I have is my son but he’s too young to even understand. I know I have God and Jesus and I’m probably paying for all my sins. It’s okay though because God has my back and will make a way. Lord please help me, don’t do it for me but for my son. Please take away this pain and heal me. Use me Lord and show your favor through me.

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