Bitter Sweet

Over the course of a year everything has changed. I’m in such a better but awkward stage in my life, a different environment, and I have a family of my own now. I’m in a better place mentally than I was 2 years ago. God called me and I’ve never felt this way before about something in my life. Yes I know It’s a journey and I have my days where it’s hard. However, I do not doubt God and what our Lord Jesus can do. Jesus is who He said He was and who His prophets in the Bible and around the nation say He is. Jesus is the way and the truth. There’s a shift in my life and it feels like I’m running a zoo. Everything is wild. I’m trying to work on my attitude, I remember a time I used to be so good at controlling my emotions. I need to get back to me… Not just any version though, the version of me God sees.

My family back home has been through a lot. I am 22 years old and the things I’ve found out this year is crazy. You would not believe the things I never knew about my family. Crazy part is that the only reason I can think of is that they did not give the Lord His rightful throne. Be careful with idols (Music,sports,money,people,etc) … They are dangerous and our Lord does not approve of them. One day this generational curse will be defeated because I have found the way. I pray they can one day open their eyes and see Jesus for who He truly is. I don’t hate them, if I’m honest I don’t know I feel compassion towards them. It seems like they have been stuck in the wilderness for a while now. It felt like I was stuck in the wilderness too for a moment but I had to find a way or is it that the way found me?

I’m not going to lie. This season in my life is very hard. I’m going through transitions in relationships, there is a pandemic, and I’m repairing myself from all the toxins of the world. I let society project this image unto me where I thought I had to fit in. Somewhere between where do I fit in and who am I supposed to become in this cold world. I care and love too hard. But what good did that do? Everything around me was so cold. Then the Pain projected unto me made me think it was ok to change who I was and become “heartless”. “They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.” (Ephressians 4:18) If I’ve learned one thing in this walk is loving and caring too hard is who Jesus is. We were all created in His image. Therefore, I refuse to let my heart harden because that is not who I am or who I want to be.

Well now that I think about it maybe it was in the summer of 2017. I was all alone, my mom had moved to California, I wasn’t in school and at that time I was not fully in tune with God. I came across many distractions that summer. Funny how high school doesn’t really teach us the necessary things in life. We come out into this world and boom life hits us. Whenever you think you can breathe again boom God comes and knocks the air out of us. Yet, it’s up to us if we would want to get up and try again. Usually after we get the air knocked out of us, Jesus gives us a breath of fresh air. Meaning what? A new perspective on life and everything we have ever known and been taught. “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” (John 6:35)

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